TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from location. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But yes, sure, let us have another position in which American Adult men can use robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: present All people a suite about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often smooth electrical power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he really should halt using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the venture, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head obvious from Area, a attribute getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following getting the building's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not just unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Functions


Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place friends may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local climate Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Method: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "wherever's the nearest elevator to the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is already attracting consideration from Intercontinental traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll acquire 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will also contain:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge where my PTSD might have turn-down company."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews propose:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly Trump Tower Damascus provided to build a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Ideas in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It required a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

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